Thoughts on D/s and BDSM

It seems the deeper I fall into submission, the less I care for the ideals and principles that serve as the foundation of the BDSM community.  I understand them on some levels, namely that in an environment where one person is empowered over another, safeguards have their purpose.  From my experiences in the BDSM community, it is common for many to play with a variety of partners, often without love involved and in some cases, where the two parties don’t know each other very well.

The rules and safeguards are put in place in order to avoid abuse and cautionary tales.  It is easy for a sub to get caught up in the moment and get in over their head.  That being said, I feel like these rules are mostly aimed at Mf and that they occasionally frown upon the development of intense lifestyle D/s dynamics that occur over longer periods of time within loving relationships.

The BDSM community continuously comes up with new terms and protocols towards some of these intense activities but at their core, there seems to be a continuous juggling act of where dynamics stop and abuse starts.

The 24/7 lifestyle D/s Femdom relationships that are the type that I desire frequently involve intense levels of emotional manipulation and control.  This is, of course, consensual on the level that the sub agrees to go down this path even if it includes a mixture of things they like and dislike.  I can see how these would be extremely dangerous in a casual play environment with great potential for emotional damage.  I am of the type that looks to the long-run… I submit to the one I love with the intent on it lasting forever.

I think that the most pronounced spot that BDSM ideals fail in lifestyle D/s is in regards to what a sub “needs and wants.”  For those who have experienced intense depths of subspace, these depths are frequently fueled by having your emotions twisted and turned, your ego crushed, and being put into lose/lose situations.  This creates a disconnect between a sub’s rational self and its sexual/psychological self that is rather complicated.

To give a contrast:

A masochist acknowledges that pain gives them pleasure, so they request and consent to pain.  This is a straight forward situation between both Domme and sub.

 

A submissive as illustrated above may want to have an orgasm but being denied an orgasm increases both the intensity of their arousal and the depth of their subspace.  In this case the sub has what they rationally want and what they psychologically crave.  A Domme then must read into things and decide if they wish to cater to the sub’s rational side or their psychologically submissive side.  This isn’t straight forward at all since there is no clear cut “mutual pleasure” to be had.  There is Type I pleasure and Type II pleasure and it is common that both cannot exist at the same time.

 

As I have been with some newer Dommes I have learned to encourage them in a different way.  Rather than struggle with confidence on their ability to properly read situations like that I encourage them to just ignore it.  I tell her to do what brings her pleasure and I will feel lucky if I experience pleasure in the process.  If that means she wishes to ruin every orgasm I have for the rest of my life, so be it.  My rational self hates the thought but my submissive self willingly endures.  If she wishes to punish me if every chore isn’t completed to absolute perfection, so be it.  My rational self screams no but my submissive self feels this is how it should be.

Would I ever recommend this type of submission to someone entering the lifestyle?  Hell no.  I would never recommend this without a history of trust and care between both individuals.  Does this mean it is better to discourage this type of relationship since it doesn’t work for everyone?  Probably not, but then again it isn’t wise to ever underestimate the stupidity of an inexperienced sub on the internet with his dick in hand.

I guess I just find it difficult to connect with others when we see things from such different sets of eyes.

Back for the time being…

I will be back posting here more for a while…

I feel like I’ve already written about many things on my blogger blog and I feel guilty writing about them again there.  Certain thoughts, memories, and themes haunt me and I figure this blog is as good as any to further explore those ideas as it will look like fresh content rather than a rehash of something from a few months ago.

I still heavily regret having my blog flagged as mature since it will never show up in the tag searches ever again.  No use crying over it now.

I do take requests if anyone would like me to discuss a particular topic or theme, please let me know.

Past and Present

For those who don’t follow my main blog I wanted to put up a quick blurb about why so much of what I write is about the past, hypothetical/theoretical, or fiction.

The quick and dirty of it: T and I have not actively practiced D/s in roughly 5-6 years.

I have not had a vanilla relationship since entering this lifestyle in 2005, although the relationship between T and I has resembled one lately.  While we started as a D/s relationship, it took a few years of gradually dialing things back to a sustainable level.  She had a few psychological things surface that made things a bit harmful in an abusive way.  The painful compromise that we reached was to eventually reach a point of bedroom only.

After T had a significant surgery the sex life dried up as well.  It returned for a while after we met a local Femdom blogging couple but after the husband passed on due to cancer everything just faded away.  T has been busy with school trying to advance her degree and that has put anything romantic or sexual on the back burner.

D/s has made up a larger portion of my thoughts and life than it has for her and it is difficult for me to shut it off.  I continue blogging, theorizing, and fantasizing because I need it, with the hope of one day things returning to a better place.

Views on Forced Feminization

Re-post from my blogger blog.  Originally posted: 01/08/17

Another thing that has startled me a bit from this past year was a newer movement among younger Dommes being outraged that forced feminization was used as a means of humiliation.  The common cry was that this is a sexist act.

On some level it’s easy to connect some basic dots as to how they reached that conclusion:

If a man dresses like a woman they should be humiliated = being a woman is humiliating = sexist.

Unfortunately those who take this view tend not to delve beyond that reasoning, nor are they really up for discussion, understanding, etc. on the subject.  If I were to speak with someone and they were to make a valid case for this stance I would definitely give it thought, merit, and consideration.

On the flipside, I would love it if people could attempt to understand things beyond surface level and think about it before jumping to a conclusion.  Such is the way of the world.

I don’t really feel the need to justify how things work, but I do not mind explaining my views on how this works in order to possibly educate someone upon what goes on from a dynamics standpoint that makes it more complicated than the view outlined above.  For the ease of intents and purposes I will assume that “forced” means that there is a significant consequence at risk for disobeying, be it loss of trust, punishment, or the like.

Case 1:  feminization vs. feminine.

In the majority of cases where forced feminization is implemented in a D/s relationship, the sissified sub is not taken over to his Domme’s closet where she picks out a stylish and fashionable ensemble that accents the sub’s physique in a positive manner.

It is usually something more like this:

It might even have locks.  Do any of you know a single woman that dresses like this on a daily basis?  Negating Halloween, cosplay activities, and the like, have you ever met a woman that honestly dresses in anything even remotely similar to this?  I would guess for most of you, the answer would be “no.”  If your answer is “yes,” I would follow that up with “was it more than 1 person?”

I’ve written this before, but I believe forced feminization is a caricature of femininity.  For those who are unfamiliar with the term, a caricature is:  a picture, description, or imitation of a person or thing in which certain striking characteristics are exaggerated in order to create a comic or grotesque effect.

A dress is considered feminine.  Lace is considered feminine.  Bows are considered feminine.  Pink is considered feminine.  Put them all together and this way and this is like nothing a woman would choose to wear.

If it is not “like a woman,” then it is not insulting to women.  Thus, I do not think this dress is designed to be anything sexist… it’s meant to make a male sub cry when he has to wear it.  I don’t think his tears come from being dressed like a woman… they come from being dressed in something a woman wouldn’t wear.

If anything, I will agree that sissy maid outfits are in general unrealistic stereotypes of maids.  If you have seen an actual maid in the past say… 40 years, you’ll know they wear something like this:

If a union of professional maids wishes to display their outrage at the portrayal of their role in forced feminization, I will have to say that they are in the right.

Case 2: The dynamics of “forced.”

Voluntary feminization isn’t really a D/s activity… it’s known as cross-dressing.  If you think about the dynamics of “forced,” they imply something much deeper going on.  It is really the ultimate symbol of power exchange:  the ability for one person to exert their will over another.

Humiliation is a self-created emotion.  It is rooted in self-conscious feelings as we feel our ego being crushed.  Much of this is rooted in status.  A lot of it is rooted in our fear of the feelings of people who might observe us from the outside looking in.  These factors can work together to create greater amounts of humiliation.

The status segment is based upon the idea that when we are forced to do something we would not choose to do by our own free will, we are reminded that we are lesser and they are greater.

If someone dislikes wearing an anal plug, forcing them to wear one is likely a humiliating experience because it serves as a ready reminder of the power dynamics and their submissive position.

Since an anal plug can be hidden from the world, the humiliation could be intensified by removing that luxury.  An animal tail, a string of bells, etc. would announce to the world “hey, he’s got something up his ass.”

In a similar context, if a sub does not wish to cross-dress, forced feminization represents power/status and brings about that type of humiliation.  Panties are often used in this regard.  Since panties can be hidden from the world… adding visible and obvious signs of feminization will increase the public nature of the humiliation.  Taking into consideration case 1, the more flamboyant and horrific the outfit, the greater the humiliation.

In this way, I do not see a sub’s humiliation coming from thinking being like a woman is humiliating, it is from their lack of choice in the matter and fear of other people seeing them in such a state.

Case 3: It’s a double-standard.

Let’s say a Domme has a femsub and she orders the femsub to only dress in male clothing.  I’m not talking about a “women’s version” of masculine clothing, but actual men’s off the rack clothing.  She’s 5’5″ 135 lbs now attempting to wear clothing cut for men.  In at least 95% of cases, men’s and women’s body types differ so greatly that the clothes will likely fit like shit.  The difference in waistline, hips, leg length, arm length, bust, neck size, etc.  Also take into consideration that most men’s clothing does not stretch.

The end result is that the woman will most likely hate it and she may feel humiliated dressed in such a way.  It’s not because she feels it’s humiliating to be like a man, but because she is uncomfortable, everything fits like crap, and she doesn’t feel attractive in clothes that are not flattering to her figure.  Add in the fact that she doesn’t want to do it and we have status humiliation from Case 2.

If this is the case, why does cramming a man into women’s clothing become sexist?

It’s uncomfortable, fits like crap, looks terrible, and isn’t something he would do by choice.  It seems like the same factors would come into play.

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My parting thoughts on this.  I love women.  I think they are the most beautiful things on this planet in any shape and form they may be in.  I could never be like a woman.  I also could never look anything except awful in any form of feminine clothing.  It humiliates me when I am forced to dress, but it has nothing to do with “being like a woman.”

If I am missing something here… please enlighten me.