Contemplative Introspection

I’m currently mired in one of those cycles where I feel absolutely desperate to connect with others that can accept and understand the turmoil going on within.

The past weeks have contained a mix of good and bad with the bad breaking me down and the good leaving me with a sense of longing.  It’s hard for me not to see this as a bit pathetic but it is the truth behind my emotions at this time.

A lot of the world keeps changing and I’m scared at what it is becoming.  When I entered the kink-world on the internet I was hoping that it would allow me to take down the masks and faux-alpha armor that I display in day-to-day life.  Lately it seems like you need a sharp claw to scratch your way in, a set of fangs to bite down and hang on, and again… armor in order to make your statement and let the shit bounce off without truly soiling you.

I know much of this is depression talking.  When it’s not, I don’t ache in the same way or choose these routes to try to sooth the pain of my soul.  I can’t tell if I am going crazy or if everything is crazy around me.

I try to be strong within it.  I hate feeling like the type that cries for help. Here I am, craving connections… but feeling too awkward to find them.  I guess I just don’t know how anymore.  What little confidence left in me seems to trickle out little by little with each passing day.

I’ve danced this dance before.  I know on the horizon things will feel okay again.  I know in the future I will again dare to hope and dream and smiles will flow freely and with little effort.  I would love to believe that as a rational being I could simply be patient… but it also feels rational to flail and reject what feels bad and do what is possible to improve it.  Maybe tomorrow will feel better.

Social Networking

I have been feeling a bit isolated over the past couple of months… looking to make more kink-aware friends.

If anyone would like to correspond I can be found on fetlife username: fcsy

I’m really trying to be more active there but have yet to find anywhere that felt.. welcoming.