Contemplative Introspection

I’m currently mired in one of those cycles where I feel absolutely desperate to connect with others that can accept and understand the turmoil going on within.

The past weeks have contained a mix of good and bad with the bad breaking me down and the good leaving me with a sense of longing.  It’s hard for me not to see this as a bit pathetic but it is the truth behind my emotions at this time.

A lot of the world keeps changing and I’m scared at what it is becoming.  When I entered the kink-world on the internet I was hoping that it would allow me to take down the masks and faux-alpha armor that I display in day-to-day life.  Lately it seems like you need a sharp claw to scratch your way in, a set of fangs to bite down and hang on, and again… armor in order to make your statement and let the shit bounce off without truly soiling you.

I know much of this is depression talking.  When it’s not, I don’t ache in the same way or choose these routes to try to sooth the pain of my soul.  I can’t tell if I am going crazy or if everything is crazy around me.

I try to be strong within it.  I hate feeling like the type that cries for help. Here I am, craving connections… but feeling too awkward to find them.  I guess I just don’t know how anymore.  What little confidence left in me seems to trickle out little by little with each passing day.

I’ve danced this dance before.  I know on the horizon things will feel okay again.  I know in the future I will again dare to hope and dream and smiles will flow freely and with little effort.  I would love to believe that as a rational being I could simply be patient… but it also feels rational to flail and reject what feels bad and do what is possible to improve it.  Maybe tomorrow will feel better.

Social Networking

I have been feeling a bit isolated over the past couple of months… looking to make more kink-aware friends.

If anyone would like to correspond I can be found on fetlife username: fcsy

I’m really trying to be more active there but have yet to find anywhere that felt.. welcoming.

Thoughts on D/s and BDSM

It seems the deeper I fall into submission, the less I care for the ideals and principles that serve as the foundation of the BDSM community.  I understand them on some levels, namely that in an environment where one person is empowered over another, safeguards have their purpose.  From my experiences in the BDSM community, it is common for many to play with a variety of partners, often without love involved and in some cases, where the two parties don’t know each other very well.

The rules and safeguards are put in place in order to avoid abuse and cautionary tales.  It is easy for a sub to get caught up in the moment and get in over their head.  That being said, I feel like these rules are mostly aimed at Mf and that they occasionally frown upon the development of intense lifestyle D/s dynamics that occur over longer periods of time within loving relationships.

The BDSM community continuously comes up with new terms and protocols towards some of these intense activities but at their core, there seems to be a continuous juggling act of where dynamics stop and abuse starts.

The 24/7 lifestyle D/s Femdom relationships that are the type that I desire frequently involve intense levels of emotional manipulation and control.  This is, of course, consensual on the level that the sub agrees to go down this path even if it includes a mixture of things they like and dislike.  I can see how these would be extremely dangerous in a casual play environment with great potential for emotional damage.  I am of the type that looks to the long-run… I submit to the one I love with the intent on it lasting forever.

I think that the most pronounced spot that BDSM ideals fail in lifestyle D/s is in regards to what a sub “needs and wants.”  For those who have experienced intense depths of subspace, these depths are frequently fueled by having your emotions twisted and turned, your ego crushed, and being put into lose/lose situations.  This creates a disconnect between a sub’s rational self and its sexual/psychological self that is rather complicated.

To give a contrast:

A masochist acknowledges that pain gives them pleasure, so they request and consent to pain.  This is a straight forward situation between both Domme and sub.


A submissive as illustrated above may want to have an orgasm but being denied an orgasm increases both the intensity of their arousal and the depth of their subspace.  In this case the sub has what they rationally want and what they psychologically crave.  A Domme then must read into things and decide if they wish to cater to the sub’s rational side or their psychologically submissive side.  This isn’t straight forward at all since there is no clear cut “mutual pleasure” to be had.  There is Type I pleasure and Type II pleasure and it is common that both cannot exist at the same time.


As I have been with some newer Dommes I have learned to encourage them in a different way.  Rather than struggle with confidence on their ability to properly read situations like that I encourage them to just ignore it.  I tell her to do what brings her pleasure and I will feel lucky if I experience pleasure in the process.  If that means she wishes to ruin every orgasm I have for the rest of my life, so be it.  My rational self hates the thought but my submissive self willingly endures.  If she wishes to punish me if every chore isn’t completed to absolute perfection, so be it.  My rational self screams no but my submissive self feels this is how it should be.

Would I ever recommend this type of submission to someone entering the lifestyle?  Hell no.  I would never recommend this without a history of trust and care between both individuals.  Does this mean it is better to discourage this type of relationship since it doesn’t work for everyone?  Probably not, but then again it isn’t wise to ever underestimate the stupidity of an inexperienced sub on the internet with his dick in hand.

I guess I just find it difficult to connect with others when we see things from such different sets of eyes.

Back for the time being…

I will be back posting here more for a while…

I feel like I’ve already written about many things on my blogger blog and I feel guilty writing about them again there.  Certain thoughts, memories, and themes haunt me and I figure this blog is as good as any to further explore those ideas as it will look like fresh content rather than a rehash of something from a few months ago.

I still heavily regret having my blog flagged as mature since it will never show up in the tag searches ever again.  No use crying over it now.

I do take requests if anyone would like me to discuss a particular topic or theme, please let me know.

Past and Present

For those who don’t follow my main blog I wanted to put up a quick blurb about why so much of what I write is about the past, hypothetical/theoretical, or fiction.

The quick and dirty of it: T and I have not actively practiced D/s in roughly 5-6 years.

I have not had a vanilla relationship since entering this lifestyle in 2005, although the relationship between T and I has resembled one lately.  While we started as a D/s relationship, it took a few years of gradually dialing things back to a sustainable level.  She had a few psychological things surface that made things a bit harmful in an abusive way.  The painful compromise that we reached was to eventually reach a point of bedroom only.

After T had a significant surgery the sex life dried up as well.  It returned for a while after we met a local Femdom blogging couple but after the husband passed on due to cancer everything just faded away.  T has been busy with school trying to advance her degree and that has put anything romantic or sexual on the back burner.

D/s has made up a larger portion of my thoughts and life than it has for her and it is difficult for me to shut it off.  I continue blogging, theorizing, and fantasizing because I need it, with the hope of one day things returning to a better place.